Resisting a Rest!
I say it all the time, but I like to be busy. I am a high energy person. I don't know if it's my nature, as Becky says, or if it's from a childhood of constantly being on the go and it gives me comfort. But as 2020 got rolling, I felt like I hit a brick wall and just stopped moving forward. My drive, energy, and "get-up-and-go ness" is MIA. My first reaction is, "I don't like it!" However, as I reflect on it, I am beginning to realize that it is EXACTLY what I am supposed to be doing right now. Who says I need to be constantly moving forward? When did I decide that was what I needed?
So, to kick off 2020, I am going inward. What does that mean? I am hibernating - working on myself - coming to terms with the Jenny who can find stillness, mentally and physically - meditating, and practicing patience and presence - with no agenda or to do list. Hell, I don't even have much of a plan these days! And let me tell you, holy shit, is it hard! Oh boy, have I struggled with feelings of failure, laziness, sadness, and feeling purposeless! But my body and my mind tells me to keep going! I just have to ignore that damn ego. I know in my gut that this is the right thing for me right now.
And this amazing husband of mine is about to take the BAR and I want to be here and present for him and our girls during this time. It's a commitment for the whole family. I want to be totally present to help, support, nurture, comfort, encourage, feed, and love on my family.
When I reflect on nature and wildlife at this time of year, they aren't being so hard on themselves for hibernating, or going underground,or shedding their leaves to store up energy and prepare for what is to come with Spring. They just go with the pace of nature. What's wrong with my doing that? Nothing! I love the idea of living with the seasons. Well, maybe I don't LOVE it just yet, but I definitely am warming up to the fact that it's ok to slow down and regroup at this time of year. Maybe I am storing up my energy and learning more about myself for something great that is to come!
I am eating better, sleeping more, and snuggling with my girls and husband more! I am taking more walks (we call them "Soul Strolls") with my family. My whole family joins me to watch the sunrise on the weekends now. I meditate daily and drink more tea and find time in the afternoons to sit and write or read a book! It's time to stop judging myself against some kind of imaginary expectation of my worth based on how much I get done every day. I guarantee that my girls and my husband would much rather have me happy and relaxed than frazzled and rushed.